I am Goku
by Kami1
Summary: This one's original as far as I know. It's Goku's POV after the Cell games and explains why he never came back. You'll never look at Goku the same again.


Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ.  
  
  
  
  
One shot written to express Goku's POV after the Cell games. Why didn't he come back? Read to find out.  
  
  
  
  
  
Legend  
  
  
  
  
"Hey! Don't I get a say in this?" I said, trying to hide my feelings behind a cheerful, careless facade. I'd been doing that a lot lately -hiding my true feelings. I don't even think Chi, or Gohan know how I've really felt over the past dozen years.  
  
Really, it all started with King Piccolo. He was the first villain I ever fought who was truly evil. As I explained my "reasons" for wanting to stay dead, I couldn't help but feel slightly guilty. I suppose I was leaving Gohan quite a burden. His mother, his brother, who I'd sensed within Chi Chi for almost a week now, as well as guardianship over the entire Earth. He was my son afterall. I'm sure he'll be able to handle it. Then again, had even I been able to handle it?  
  
Why had I really left the Earth for good. It certainly wasn't for the reasons I'd told my friends. I suppose that it was ultimately about responsibility. Since the age of 15, I'd been responsible for protecting the whole Earth. It would have been nice to atleast have someone to help me, but no. My drive and raw power overwhelmed both friends and foes, leaving me alone.   
  
Even at that age, among Earthlings I was peerless. Ultimately, this was the fault of my genes. Why do I say fault? I say fault because though it granted me the power to protect those I loved, it left me alone, unable to recieve help from anyone. For Kami's sake, compared to me Kami was a weakling by the time I was 18. Then... came the arrival of Radditz.   
  
His power was staggering. I have no doubt that he could have bested Garlic Jr singlehandedly and even my son's powers were barely a match for his. Already, by this time, the weariness of battle had began to creep up on me. I was only a blow more powerful than Piccolo and this meant that I had to train, even in times of peace.   
  
Perhaps that was what defeated me. The constant vigilance and training were wearing away at my very soul. Slowly, it crept upon me. Before Piccolo Damaio, I'd only felt it once. It was in the battle against Tao Pai Pai when Bora fell. Since then, every death has worn away at my naivette and innocence, leaving me almost Vegeta like in some ways.   
  
By the time Freeza arrived, I'd already started compensating for my loss of innocence by putting on a reassuring mask for my friends. They seemed to feel that as long as Goku had hope, we could win. They were right, but what they didn't consider was that innocent, little Goku had grown. I was no longer the boy who they remembered. I'd seen more death than most see in a hundred lifetimes. I'd cradled my son's body, bloody and broken, in my arms. The Goku they'd known was gone. Now there was only Kakkarot, the Saiyajin, hardened by battle, yet also so unlike Saiyajin for I felt weary after battle. I no longer found battles exhilarating. That particular characteristic I have not associated with battle since Krillin's death. That final death of my best friend was the breaking point for me.  
  
Since then I've trained feverishly, hoping, praying, needing to never lose another friend because I was close. Close to losing my sanity, my heart, my life. I knew that it was only a matter of time until one of those final strands, holding the heroic icon that is Son Goku together, would snap, leaving my friends alone, or worse... dead. That's why I quickly adopted the idea of unleashing Gohan's hidden powers. I thought that I could create someone to take my place. Take the pressure of being the go to guy off my shoulders, atleast for a couple of years.  
  
Unfortunately, I was overeager, underestimating my son's ability to control not a battlefield, but himself. The miscue which he blames himself for was not a failing of his, but one of mine. I made one mistake in my calculations. Gohan was a child. He'd seen much, but he was still not me, or atleast not the empty shell of a warrior who'd once been willing to sacrifice everything for the Earth. He was not ready to live in my world where there is no distinction between good and evil. There is only my friends and their countinued survial. For that I will sacrifice anything, even my son and I did.  
  
I am not Son Goku, protector of the Earth. Nor am I Kakkarot, Saiyajin warrior. I am both and I am neither. I am the saviour of life, yet avatar of death. I am Goku and nothing more. 


End file.
